Fear. Guilt. Repeat.

by Guest Blogger, T.

Isa sa mga pinakapaborito kong Psych 150 (Personality) concepts ang “defensive pessism” (o yung joke nga namin sa class dati, defensive pezzimizm, dahil kung anong bigkas ay siya ring baybay). Nakaka-relate kasi ako sa mga katangian ng defensive pessimists: “[we] initially feel anxious and out of control before the task performance and enter the situations ‘expecting the worst’ even though [we] have done well in similar situations in the past; that is, in response to [our] anxiety, [we] set lower expectations for [our] performance and think through all possible outcomes” (Lim, 2009). As a result, the strategy protects my sense of self-worth (lowered expectations na kasi so in theory, mas attainable na) tapos the anxiety motivates me to plan and prep in anticipation of everything that could possibly go wrong. For someone highly neurotic like myself who wants to perform well in a given task, the strategy works.

Because it is that time of the year when self-reflection is warranted, napaisip tuloy ako sa mga primary motivations ko in life. I realized that both fear and guilt have played huge roles in what I have done and in what I have failed to do (parang prayer yun. Haha). Kumbaga sa stoplight, fear is my red and guilt is my green (and everything you do, yeah, they were all yellow. Haha). Pakiramdam ko ang dami kong hindi nagawa o nagagawa dahil sa takot, dahil sa anticipation of threat, danger, or pain. At madami na rin akong na-oo-han o natatapos gawin dahil naman sa guilt, usually referred to as a moral and self-conscious emotion, which emphasizes the “shoulds” in a given situation while inhibiting what is socially undesired. The thing is, pakiramdam ko habang tumatanda ako, nag-i-intensify sila pareho. Natakot tuloy ako sa thought. Tapos maya-maya magi-guilty naman ako for thinking what I’m thinking now and for having the nerve (and time!) to even write about it. Fear. Guilt. Repeat. Let’s explore these two further.

Anu-ano ang ilang halimbawa ng mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa o nagagawa dahil sa takot?

1. Hindi ako marunong mag-bike. Ito I think mas bunga ng vicarious fear. If I remember correctly, growing up, takot yung nanay ko na magalusan ang legs ko. Haha. Tapos I got into a motorcycle accident pa. Anyway, hindi ko na maalala ang puno’t dulo pero basta natakot na lang ako na masugatan, ma-off balance, o maaksidente sa kalye. Dahil hindi ako marunong mag-bike, hindi rin ako marunong mag-motor. At dahil hindi ako marunong mag-motor, wala akong future sa tricyle industry. Mula noon, hanggang ngayon, nakikiangkas lang ako. 

2. Ayoko ng pets. Ang mga aso’t pusa, cute man sila sa iyong paningin, sila pa rin ay may bagsik na angkin. Kung sasali ako sa Little Miss Philippines, yan ang magiging kasabihan ko. Haha. Takot ako sa kahit anong hayop. Ini-imagine ko palang yung pakiramdam sa balat ko ng dila nila, ng kuko nila, ng balbon nila, nanginginig na ako. Parang takot na takot akong makalmot, makagat, magka-rabies, magka-FMD, magka-asthma. Lahat na. Hindi lang ata ako neurotic, hypochondriac na rin ata.

3. Hindi ko pa nasubukan sumakay ng roller coaster (yung may loop). Counted ba ang caterpillar as rollercoaster? O yung mga mabibilis na nasa tracks din naman pero walang loop? Anyway, lugi ako sa totoo lang sa mga amusement parks. Kasi kunwari sa Enchanted Kingdom, ang pinakamasaya naman talaga dun yung Space Shuttle, Jungle Log Jam, tsaka Anchors Away. Kung Jungle Log Jam at Anchors Away, sige kaya, pero one time lang per visit to Enchanted Kingdom. Pag Space Shuttle, hindi ko na talaga kaya. Pano kung tumigil yun midway? Pano kung ma-stuck ka habang nasa gitna ng loop? Basically, pano kung mahulog ka? So ulit-ulit na lang sa bump cars. At least yun may rubber thingy to keep you safe (rubber talaga keeps us safe haha). Dahil hindi ko kayang mag-roller coaster, asa pa akong makakapag-bungee jumping, skydiving, paragliding, trust fall, surfing, crowd surfing, at couch surfing ako. I have a fear of falling. And since we’re on that topic, segue na to the next item…

4. Nahihirapan akong umibig muli. Ang mga sugat na makukuha sa pagbibiskleta, madaling gumaling. Ang mga kagat mula sa mga hayop, madaling tiisin. Ang pusong parang nalalaglag sa Jungle Log Jam ay nababawing muli. Pero ang mga sugat na dulot ng pag-ibig, parang ang tagal humilom. Ang mga pusong nahulog at walang sumalo, nahihirapang makabangon muli. Ang mga kagat mula sa taong iniibig, nakaka-miss.. #echoserangfroglet (Paraphrasing Kris Aquino, I’ll keep quiet na ‘coz I’m mature na. Paraphrasing Sarah Geronimo, ok na po yun, ok na po yun.)

5. Pakiramdam ko maraming pagkakataon ang napalampas ko dahil sa halu-halong takot: takot mahirapan, takot mabigo, takot magbago ng routine, takot sumubok ng bago, takot mahusgahan, takot magkamali, takot ma-reject, takot makaramdam na parang you’ve let the most important people in your life down. For the longest time natakot ako to be me (…I am T…the elusive starlet), to be authentic and true to myself because of fear. (I’m being very Jodie-Foster-Golden-Globes-I-am-50-I-am-50 speech here.).

So in conclusion, I have a very boring life. Haha. At alam ko naman na panahon na magbago. I am extremely aware of how debilitating my fears are. I am extremely aware of my ever-growing shoulda-woulda-coulda list. I am extremely aware that I want to stop being afraid. But everytime I think of conquering some of my fears, I start to feel guilty. Haha, maipasok lang ang next concept.

Now, what about guilt? Maybe I’ll reserve this for a separate post? Thinking about it now, mukhang ang nakaka-motivate talaga ay ang avoidance of guilt. I do things because I do not want to feel guilty. Naisip ko na yung title nung post. I think I will call it, #DamingTime. More on this soon. But in the meantime, the question remains, how do you conquer your fears? How do you convince yourself to face your fears and try something for the first time? Or maybe try something you’ve wanted to try again and do it right this time? Sabi nga ni Sara Bareilles, honestly, I want to see you be brave. Ako rin Sara. I want to see me be brave. Ako rin (ulit-ulit para mas madrama ang ending).

(T is a starlet trapped in a teacher’s body.)