On Lessons, Love and Landian – 10 Things I’ve Learned (and Said)

Pagdating sa love/pag-ibig/Kalandian/Kalokohan masasabi kong medyo meron akong experience sa mga yan. Madaming lessons learned dahil sa dami din ng kagagahan na pinaggagawa ko.

Last night, I was hanging out with two ladies who were a little older than me. Both were married for over a decade, and one has a son. One was from East Coast, one was from West Coast, and maybe the differences ended there. These were two no nonsense, imma-whoop-yo-ass-if-you-disrespect-me kind of women. It was so great talking to these obviously vivacious, self-assured and brilliant individuals.

So of course, after a glass of G&T, we all started talking about relationships. Masaya makipagusap sa mga nakakatanda, and to hear them validate some of what I have been thinking about, and also explain to me some other things that I may have gotten wrong with the whole men vs. women deal.

Here are some of my take-aways from last night’s discussions and some of the other things I’ve spurted out to girlfriends in hopes of giving decent advice:

1. Ang lalaki kung gusto ka, hahanap ng paraan para makasama ka, makausap ka or masulyapan ka man lang.

You’ve all probably heard this before. And it’s been repeated over the centuries and passed down to every generation of women because it is a cold hard truth.

At this day and age, kung hindi ka matawagan or maka return ng call sayo even after office hours, lalu na if you are in the beginning of your relationship…walk away lady, just walk away. He doesn’t value you that much, and neither should you value him. Enough, finito.

2. Boys need to decompress.

Let them have their boys night, and give you time to do your nails or have a long hot bath without having to worry about having to feed him.

Pag stressed ang lalaki, hindi likas sa kanila na makipag-usap sayo at sabihin ang lahat ng saloobin nila. Most usually have to mull things over, or just be quiet and do some activity.

My married girlfriend even told me that when she knows her man has had a hard day, she just fixes him a drink, and leaves it beside him by the sofa then she walks away. He totally appreciates the gesture and is ready to be “with her” after he has decompressed.

3. There is nothing wrong about a woman getting her man a beer.

What I mean by this is, a woman loses nothing of herself when she whole-heartedly chooses to serve or take care of her SO/husband. I was adamantly against this before, like “Get your own damn plate of food!” Then I met someone that I am willing to rush home for to make some semblance of a meal (or get his favorite take-out) because I know he would have had a hard day at the restaurant and that he had to drive through hellish traffic.

I don’t mean that you wait on your husband/SO hand and foot. There is a difference between “service” and “servitude”. You offer your service to someone you love and respect and treasure. Servitude, that’s just f*cked up.

Doesn’t mean that you can’t make him take out the trash and put the seat down. ‘Wag syang gago, ok?

What’s great about this is, if your man IS a man, then he would want to take care of you too. And it all works out nicely when he drives you to places and carries your shopping bags and fixes all sorts of stuff at home.

4. Be brave enough to demand to be treated like a lady, and be classy enough to deserve it.

You deserve to be treated like a queen, but you have to act like it and deserve it.

So let him open the door for you. Let him pull up the chair. Let him pay for dinner or buy you your drink. Let him offer his arm as you walk down the street. You are a woman, you deserve to be revered… ikaw na nagsusumikap sa buhay, na nag-aaral ng mabuti, na naninigurado na maayos ang bahay at masaya ang pamilya, ikaw na lahat hahamakin para sa kapwa at kaibigan — yes, dapat lang dear.

And it doesn’t even mean that your SO or your husband should be able to give you the world, but he should give all of himself to you… because, if you’re like any other woman worth her grit, don’t you give all of yourself too?

5. There is a lot of things that you can give to a man (SO): attention, time, and even your heart. But one thing you SHOULD NEVER EVER give to a man is your POWER.

Letting him open the door for you doesn’t give him power over you. Letting him pay for dinner doesn’t mean he dictates how your evening goes.

Your power lies in the fact that you should know that you can always choose. KNOW IT, LIVE IT, LUMP IT. THAT is your power. Stay or go, yes or no, over or under, … YOU choose. No one else should make the decisions for you, and no one should ever be able to come up to you and say, “Ganyan talaga, babae ka eh. Tanggapin mo na lang.” Nope. Walk away.

6. Medyo engot ang boys as a general rule.

Engot in the sense that unless you tell them what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling, they will never figure it out.

I remember emphasizing this recently to a friend of mine a week before her wedding. Galit na galit si girl ‘teh. As in murderous rage. Malapit na i-call off ang kasal. The reason: kasi engot yun fiancé nya. I had to remind her that her fiancé (now husband, thank gawd) is not a mind-reader, and does not have the same sensitivities and sensibilities as that of a woman. Unless derecho mo sabihin na “I don’t like that because it makes me angry (or sad)” they’ll just keep doing it.

Therefore, when he does something, which you believe he should have known not to do in the first place, take a deep breath first. Count to 50. Then tumiming ka makipag-usap. Pag pumalag pa sa sobrang kalma mong pakikipagusap or gawin ulit ng walang pakialam, hampasin mo ng kaldero (joke)… maybe he’s not the kind of person na considers your feelings…reassess your relationship, and remember #s 4 and 5.

7. Men are people too.

Forgiveness is a cornerstone in any relationship. I don’t mean na mag-paabuso sa partner and hayaan lang dahil papatawarin mo naman. Hindi ganun ha…

Walang perfect, kahit ikaw, although I know you’re pretty close… sometimes people just slip up because life is learned through the mistakes. ‘Wag pusong bato. You will probably do something not so delightful too, and you know inspite of that he will still love you. Ganun yon.

8. Men like the hot fun girls, but they seek out and stay with good b*tches.

Let’s just call it. Most men (not all) like the girls who are fun to party with, who look hot and is always available… for a little while.

Parang tayo din lang… saya tignan yun guy with the abs, super cute and makes you swoon… and then what? Kung gago naman yan, babaero, walang alam kundi barkada, slow and/or walang ambisyon sa buhay, mawawalan ka din ng gana. Ganun din for guys.

9. Take care of yourself.

Love yourself. Protect yourself. Doesn’t mean you’re being selfish, just means you’re being smart.
Mag-ayos ka, hindi para sa iba kung hindi para sa sarili mo. Eat healthy, exercise, tweeze your eyebrows, shower and brush your teeth… keep learning and growing… because men may come and go, but you will always have you…and wouldn’t you rather that you be fabulous with or without a guy?

And honestly, this is where na-test ko ang Law of Attraction. The more you love yourself, the more other people love you too, or appreciate you. Kasi you respect yourself, so people respect you also.

10. Always keep with your girls/squad

VERY IMPORTANT. Don’t forget your friends. True friends are there to pull you out of any situation that you can’t seem to get out of, including sucky relationships. It’s the doughnut principle. When you’re right in the middle of something, all you see are what’s directly in front of you, and you get sucked in. Your peeps or your girls are the ones who can see from another angle and maybe the entire picture.

They are also the ones who will support you and celebrate your happiness and reaffirm that you’re fabulous and gorgeous. We all need that. We’re girls that way.

And quoting from my spirit animal from Sex and the City, Samantha Jones, “We made a deal ages ago, … men, babies, it doesn’t matter… we’re soulmates”

And with that, I wish you all fabulousness and soshalness always…